10 Things I Hate About: Film

Prepare for a half-serious rendition that in no way address the actual problems facing film. There will be swears.

1. Vapid trailers. Usually apparent Oscar contenders. You know the ones, where you learn nothing but the title and who’s in it: “The Film. A tour de force, stunning, film of the year, starring this guy (says a funny line) and that lady (says something brooding and deep). The Film. In cinemas soon”.

2. Oscar contenders… before the film has made it to mainstream cinema? Give me strength.

3. Films over 90 minutes. More of a blockbuster/Hollywood issue, but I could probably count on my hand the number of films of the last decade that have justified a full two-hour viewing. Most big films these days could do with a twenty minute cut (minimum) and still tell the same story.

4. Blockbusters/reboots. They last too long and are usually shit. See above. (And yes, it can also be a double entendre).

5. CGI. I get it. Hollywood also watched LOTR. They were in awe of their VFX department (among other things), and ever since then, cinema has been paying (awful) homage to it. Great. They can’t be bothered to pay their VFX a decent wage, but they’ll demand free-will programs and motion capture for the masses. But when over half of the film isn’t even real, nor the sets you already ask your actors to briefly pretend on, is time to just go the whole hog and call them what they actually are: half-baked virtual reality cinema?

6. Cherry picked reviews. We all know you’re lying. I’m not even sure The Krays was the worst example, just the only one that’s been outed.

7. The new ‘New’. Everyone’s a bloody flavour of the moment because the actor market is so over-saturated. Tits and teeth vs talent. See below.

8. PR. We like to think that the actor mould of the Hollywood golden era is over, but really, it’s just adapted and updated itself. Instead of being unattainable and godlike, make them accessible, a promotable character(s). No one would have maintained interest in Twilight for long than two seconds had the two leads not also been “dating” in real life. And no one would have stayed interested had they not miraculously “split” prior to the final installment in such a dramatic way. Once you realise all that down-to-earth/has affairs/bad-boy bullshit is precisely that, then you can easily answer all those whys and hows when it comes to film casting/pr.

9. Film release goodies. Release them over all viewing mediums at once or don’t, you money-grabbing dicks.

10. Apologies. Please. Stop. No belated apology after the fact will change what you decided to do, and you’re only apologising because so many people noticed. You made your bed, now own it, stop whining and get over yourself. Yes Shane Black, even you.

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